My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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