My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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