Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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