I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
