Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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