Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
