Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
