Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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