sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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