drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
