I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
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you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
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He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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