Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
