the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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