i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
