if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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