I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
