My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
