I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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