Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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