Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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