we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My vagina is officially offended.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize