Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
