Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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