He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
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This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
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So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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