I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
