I just saw a hot homeless man
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
