On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Did we literally take a cab across the street
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
