Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
