this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
