I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
