i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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