the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
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Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
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I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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