I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
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so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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