still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
