the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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