Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
