My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
