i permit you to call me
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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