New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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