Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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