Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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