I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
