I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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