You made eat vitamins until I threw up
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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