i don't like sucking hair
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
