I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
