I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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