Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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