Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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