I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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