I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
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My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
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Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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