i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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