I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
