my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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