dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
