My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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