come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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