She is in my trunk
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
