first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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