Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
