I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
