i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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